Because I'm Pretentious
Dr. Harrold Leacher : It means I'm pretentious.
-- Loaded Weapon
Years ago in a college Creative Writing course, we had notebooks we were to write down story ideas and notes for class. I figured the teacher would be the only one reading it, so having a fair assessment of my instructors intelligence, I wrote my thoughts unfiltered as I usually think them. Having been a reader, I have a vast vocabulary. Unexpectedly we were told to exchange journals and write our own entry in our classmate's notebook. When I received mine back, the observations included this gem "uses too many big words to impress"... Imbecile. So this person thinks that in my own journal I should dumb down my speech so someone else can understand. The implication was that he thought I was being pretentious. Pretentious is a word people throw around without knowing its meaning. The common definition ascribed to it is "I don't understand, so I need to make this person feel bad about that." The actual definition that should be obvious (because it's in the word) is "pretending to be more important than one actually is". You didn't need me to explain that. You could have looked it up. I never looked it up until recently. So I wasn't pretending... I was being genuine. I'd be pretending has I dumbed my thoughts down to his level... and pretending for whom? It was a mostly private journal. Dude just thought I was to feel better about himself. Goes to show people need to feel that they are smart, right, and good.
Frankly I think that my thoughts have become much more fragmented than they once were. I had one of those 5 hour energy tiny bottles. Found it at work, sealed. Usually I don't touch them, but I'd been working overtime the last three weeks, so I decided to try it. Label said it had 500% of the DV of vitamin B12. I'd read about B12, a precursor to neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, mood enhancers. I swigged about a 3rd of the bottle. Waited half and hour, felt fine, so I drank most of the rest. For the next three hours I felt "off", odd. After that time, however, I felt something I hadn't in a long time.... a long time. Motivation, energy, and optimism. Felt like the old sanguine me, tempered by maturity of course. Felt great until that night when I had the crash, replacing that positivity with existential doubt. So that was a ride. Think I have good reason to stay away from energy drinks.
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